myself.

nite peeps. rasa mcm da lame xmenaip dlm gelap ni. since hbs kolej xde da nk bsengkang mata nk menaip. since i am a sister for my two little sis the tittle often go for many people i know even they were only one year younger than me. i love reading as much as i love eating cheesecake i guess. haha. and whenever i feel sad or my heart get hurt i will read a book to comfort myself. and past few month, well i can say its has been a year i have been reading a motivational books. so from a my reading i often help other people to solve their problem or to have faith in his/herself. and they thought i should have been a motivator instead. to be honest i am not as strong as other people thought.

i have a bad memories from my childhood. kena buli, kena ejek, kena hina, dipinggirkan is part of my life i guess.  when i was a little girl i often follow my big brother to play with his friends. i play like a boy. i play ball, panjat pokok, berguling kt padang, i made a kite, fly it up until i felt down and  get a big scares on my knee. its was bleeding so bad. but i never cry. to hide the pain i keep on jumping, funny me. a girl yg sgt takut darah smpi da besar pown same je, hee. my mom is a very strict person. she often scold me when i make a mistake, and i guess i am not really close with my dad. so i grew as a girl that keep all the pain, the happiness and the scares all by myself.

i think the bad memories start bila kami pindah. in seconday school muka ni la slalo kena ejek, kena buli, xdpt join mane2 sport club sbb xcantik. haha. i used to hide my face behind my tudung. i often said to myself " kalau aku kaya, cantik mesti org nk kwn dgn aku kn" haha. a stupid fact that i keep on telling myself. i love english language since i was a little girl. but since i cannot share my passion with anyone i just kept it to myself.  and i did make a lot of mistake during my final years in school. i play a lots, i let all my dream gone with all the temporary joys, since i think nobody care about me let alone all the dream. that is one thing that i regret most nowadays. but Allah know what is the best for me and regret is like kita xredha dgn ketentuan Allah.

so just telling that i used to be left alone, i used to cry alone, but i do love people around me. i love my family so much, i love my future fiancée, i love my friend,  even how much scares i get from them because i have tired to be alone and i have tired to cry alone. when Allah give them to me i really glad that i can shares part of my life with people i love even i still dont know what will  come next but i will appreciate each moment Allah give me to be with them. so kalau sy selalu menganggu dengan setiap soalan yg xmunasabah syy minta mmaf, sy cuma nk berborak dan bila sy ngs sy minta maaf, sy cuma nk seseorg utk mendengar luahan hati sy tp biasalah bila terlebih emosi sy menangis. hee. bila sy terlalu melindungi sy minta maaf, sy da biasa dibuli, sy xnk org yg sy syg rasa penderitaan yg sama sy rasa, bila sy takut benda yg remeh temeh bukan sbb sy nk mengada ngada tp hati sy terlalu byk luka, cpt sgt berdarah dan bila sy selalu minta maaf bukan sbb sy nk menagih simpati tp sy terlalu sygkn semua org hingga sy takut kalau2 sy ada meluka kan hati sesiapa.

sy harap sy dapat buat semua org tersenyum sebelum sy pergi. haih. sy xnk org lupakan sy bila sy da tiada. nnt sape nk sedekahkan Alfatihah utk sy, sape nk bc yasin utk sy. sy byk buat slh dgn Allah. sy takut kubur sy sempit, gelap. jadi jgn lupakan sy ye.


p/s : i cant be a good motivator since ck pown berbelit belit. hehe. i re edit form the last post. since the old one expose about my bad memories to much. soryy if u have read.